Love, Hate and the Unexplained

A puzzle that Brandon initiated and left me in the middle of.

A puzzle that Brandon initiated and left me in the middle of.

“This kind of certainty comes only once in a lifetime.” -Clint Eastwood in The Bridges of Madison County (part of my entertainment on the lengthy flight to Bangkok).  

I just looked at the map that shows how far our plane has come from Chicago, minor freak out about being so far away. Part of what pushed me toward this trajectory should be addressed. No one in my life wanted to give it full credit or understanding when I told them but I want to take a moment to share the pivotal nature of a brief relationship. 

I found such a love, or it found me. There’s some force at work beyond humans interacting, the science, the explainable. And from the beginning it wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t the kind of thing that would last a lifetime. I saw this man for the first time in a dingy basement of a restaurant I was working in, looking like he worked all day. We made some mundane chitchat about dogs but there was an ocean that became apparent when before only the surface could be seen. The exhilaration and all the feelings that come with diving into a cool pool for the first time. And there was a lot of power in the fact that he had the same notion. Later on we would ask each other the first moment you knew. He never told me his moment despite my persistence. At that time I thought I would find out someday so I dropped it. 

I was ready to drop everything for something that was ultimately headed nowhere good, bound by some unexplained crazy 100% certain-ness. Thank the powers that be that he is a strong willed man who made the right choice and stuck to it. I think he saw what he was doing to me and had to let me go. Even as I write this and have spent a long time getting over it I can’t help the thought, “Or was it the right choice?” from creeping in which doesn’t make any sense. A portal was entered with that one. Many of the same concepts come up when talking about spirituality and faith. And now here I sit rather open to faith and its many interpretations on a plane to the other side of the world. 

The experience of being deserted by someone who I was so confident in my feelings toward and who I believe shared those feelings to a similar extent, definitely pushed me in this direction to find the same feeling within myself. I have built the understanding that love from and with another is a close reflection of the divine (or je ne sais quoi, or whatever language works for you) that resides within us all so the love from and within yourself should be the most satisfying as it is a direct reflection of the divine. And, only others who understand this fully can bring the kind of love that is worth having with other beings on Earth.

I working hard to build more of these things within myself and I am very excited to have the chance to do so. I’d be glad if I don’t have that certainty about anyone other than myself again, it can distract from what is truly meant to be gained in this life on earth. But, that being said I was glad to have experienced it and will certainly treasure certain elements of the experience.  

Radical Larder